Stress

Nobody can go through life without encountering stress. It will happen to the hardest and softest of people but where it differs in every case is how the stress is handled. If you do not develop a sound technique for dealing with it then you are in serious trouble because stress kills, and it kills in numerous ways.

People often confuse stress with depression, and I have touched on depression before. Whilst they are two entirely separate psychological conditions they are bedmates nonetheless. If you cannot cope with stress, eventually it can, and often does lead to depression, where the mind shuts itself down to prevent any further biological affects manifesting themselves. It is a very bad path to go down, and all too often there is simply no way back. The key to dealing with stress is incredibly easy but so few are able to counteract it, and in all almost all cases stress is a factor that is brought on by others, not the individual themselves.

It is also a cumulative condition, where high levels of stress can exacerbate the condition by the gathering of more stress, on matters that normally would not even cause a moments concern. That is why it is crucially important to identify the root causes of stress.

I use an analogy called the tea towel argument, to highlight the way stress is dealt with incorrectly. In a relationship you invariably, at times, become frustrated with certain aspects of your partners behaviour. Important here to focus on that word, at times, if it is a constant feeling then the relationship is broken, full stop. Anyway, you really want to tell your partner that the way they do this or that is not to your liking, you try to tell them but are conscious of hurting their feelings, so the odd jokey comment that you hope will deliver the message, doesn’t. You get annoyed and what was something that should have been as simple as saying, ‘you know what love, I don’t like the way you leave your shoes by the front door. Would you mind not doing that’, becomes a far bigger issue than it should. This is where the cumulative levels of stress can occur. You now resent yourself because the behaviour continues unabated and you did nothing to stop it. You think the blame lays with yourself, and rightly so, because your refusal to communicate openly has brought about an impasse which should and could have been avoided.

Eventually the deep laying issues in the problem become so deep that they cannot be uncovered so inevitably you explode into an argument over a tea towel being too wet. It is not an issue, it doesn’t bother you in any way but you are able to vent your frustration at yourself onto your partner. They are bemused of course and will argue back, and so the ever increasing circle of stress continues unabated. A simplistic analogy but entirely true.

Of course not all stressors are due to a relationship but there is a very simple truth here. If you need to move to a different area to save a relationship, sacrifice your true self or deny yourself the chance to be happy then you are only fooling yourself. Stress brings out the ‘fight or flea’ reaction as a matter of course. You can run by all means but you won’t escape. If it is broken here, it will be broken there. You can change somebody in the way they perform actions but you cannot change a person at their core. Their emotional well being is not your concern to the extent that you are losing yourself, that is not a relationship, it is a parasitic existence and totally wrong. You deal with your stress, and let them deal with theirs, do not burden yourself further with guilt and blame for their inability to make you happy. Move on.

Before you look to rid yourself of stress, then you must identify two things, where the stress is initially sourced from and how you can counteract it effectively. However, first and foremost you must have the strength to identify the symptoms of stress. They are very easy to identify as they can be glaringly obvious. I have stolen the four sub headings here directly from Wikipedia, BUT, I will expand them in my words, and in my experience where possible…..

Cognitive symptoms

• Memory problems – The inability to remember the simplest of things. Forgetting important dates, appointments are one thing but when you find yourself reading the same page over and over, you are either tired or stressed.
• Inability to concentrate – You can’t concentrate because you are worrying, often over the most ridiculous of things.
• Poor judgment – You make a decision based on the path of least resistance, not on the path that best serves you as an individual. You often repeat actions thinking that the outcome may have a different outcome. It won’t. It will just make you feel worse and offer hope where there should be none to outside parties.
• Pessimistic approach or thoughts – You simply refuse to see that things can get better. When somebody tries to offer advice you refuse it on a matter of principle alone, not even thinking that those offering the advice are doing so because they actually care and can see the bigger picture that you have closed yourself off from.
• Anxious or racing thoughts – Linked to the inability to concentrate. You allow every scenario to play out to the most detrimental conclusion in your own mind, increasing your stress levels hugely. You turn from one immediate worry to the next. You end up even worrying about worrying.
• Constant worrying – You worry over things that simply either do not matter, to anyone, or that are not your concern. Worrying how others are going to cope with a situation when your focus must be centred entirely around your own needs.

Emotional symptoms

• Moodiness – Borne out of self loathing for your own inability to communicate your  innermost feelings to those around you. Destructive and pointless.
• Irritability or short temper – As above.
• Agitation, inability to relax – Hardly surprising as the self loathing is taking over now, you don’t like yourself for your own failings and take it out on those around you, especially those closest to you. A very common reaction to stress.
• Feeling overwhelmed – Again this stems from your reluctance to accept that your problems are yours and that someone else’s are theirs. You do not cause their unhappiness, they do, soo why allow them to reflect that back onto you.
• Sense of loneliness and isolation – Not only a sense of it but the feeling that this is the best way.
• Depression or general unhappiness – Hardly surprising really is it, even if you only look at the emotional symptoms in isolation.

Physical symptoms – I am not going to expand on these but psychosomatic injuries and illnesses are often just a precursor for actual heath issues.

• Aches and pains
• Diarrhea or constipation
• Increased frequency of urination
• Indigestion
• Changes in blood glucose
• Nausea, dizziness
• Chest pain, rapid heartbeat
• Loss of sex drive
• Frequent colds
• Irregular periods.

Behavioural symptoms

• Eating more or less – I can relate to this one, and then some http://www.steviehorrell.com/battered-burgers-and-pancake-rolls/
• Sleeping too much or too little – Nothing adds to stress more than a good old case of insomnia. If there aren’t enough hours in the day to beat yourself up, then have some witching hours to boot.
• Isolating oneself from others – Because you are ashamed, hurt and refusing to believe a situation can improve.
• Procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities – The biggest responsibility is the one to yourself. You can dress it up however you like, that your kids are the most important and that is a lovely sound bite, but the reality is that unless you are functioning properly you are not giving those kids the best of you.
• Using alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to relax – Manuals will tell you that smoking adds to your stress levels, this may be well be true on a physiological level but not on a behavioural one. I Know.
• Nervous habits (e.g. nail biting, pacing) – Nail biting is a very easy way to identify stress, as is chewing ones hair or any one of a number of seemingly odd behavioural traits.

If you can identify with these symptoms then you need to look at how to deal with them, not as a short term measure but as a means of self healing.

One of the most important things to do is to accept certain things as absolute facts, and I will list these.

• Deal with YOUR issues – Your issues are those that you have a modicum of control over. You cannot allow another persons thinking become your raison d’etre. YOU are far too important as a unique person, with your own principles, morals, dreams and aspirations to allow them to be sacrificed so somebody else can feel better. It is not noble to martyr your soul in a vain attempt to save someone else’s feelings. This will, whether immediately or in months or years ahead, lead to a realisation you have been fooled, used by another to further their own emotional well being with no thought of your own. If you have someone like this in your life, get rid of them. If someone can honestly care about you then they will be with you for the person you are now, not the person they wish you could be.
• Learn from the past – History repeats itself, often because you are too blinded by stress to realise what you are doing. Look at the mistakes from the past and realise that these occurred for a reason. That the future exists is only a bonus if you can you see it for what it is, a chance not to reinvent but to redeem. You cannot look to the past as a means of education if you cannot see the mistakes you made for exactly that. They were mistakes, not events that should be a negative influence over the rest of your life
• Do not beat yourself up – What can you gain from a desire to reopen old wounds? Do you honestly feel that by apportioning blame to yourself for a marriage break up, a failing relationship, a death or an argument you can change what was. It’s done, it can’t be changed, and no amount of soul searching can alter what was. Perhaps best summed up in a tuneless Disney hit, ‘Let it Go’!
• Find an outlet – Exercise is a fantastic way of dealing with stress. Just a simple walk will help alleviate stress, it can cure weight problems, help you appreciate the simpler things around you and allow you to get some peace. If walking isn’t your thing it may be music, or running or any one of a hundred other things that allow you to stop your thoughts regurgitating themselves in a different way. Allow your mind the chance to breathe easily, even if only for a few moments of every day.
• Do not get bullied – This is almost whimsical for adults to read but it happens. When you are stressed people often allow another individual to press all the right buttons, say all the things necessary to gain your pity. You naturally think the best of someone so cannot allow yourself to believe that they are doing this to further their own means, or seeking to subjugate you. Be strong, stand up and say your piece. You will only need to say it once.
• Don’t push people away – At your very core you know who you can trust. However, as you are in a state where you refuse to see sense, are unable to grasp logic and see what is right in front of your eyes, you push those who can help you to the outskirts, or even away completely. This is the cruellest thing of all because these people CAN help you, they can get through to you and that can be both scary and at times intimidating. Let these people in and they will change your life for the better for the simple reason that they do not wish to change you in any way, they love you for the way you are and want you to excel at only one thing, being yourself.
• Accept – You must accept that you are important. You have a right to be you, you have a right to be the person you want to be, and to attain your goals. This never comes with a caveat, it should never carry a price. It is a fundamental right as a human being.

Stress can be broken down into so many different areas, and the psychologists will allow you to believe it is someone else’s fault, someone else has caused this and perhaps at the very basest of levels there is a lot of truth in that, but you are the only one who can allow yourself to break those chains. A self fulfilling prophecy is only that if you allow it to be. If you can identify it for what it is then you can prevent it occurring.

The above has been based almost entirely upon stress caused by personal relationships but the same holds true for any form of stress. If you are having stress in the work place, talk to someone, your boss, colleagues or your friends. Stress can only be harmful when it is allowed to build up with no opportunity to let it self vent. There are always people who can help, always someone who has direct experience you can draw upon. A job is just that, it doesn’t define you as an individual, it never should. If it doesn’t make you happy then look for employment elsewhere that could. It may not be immediate, it may take years, it may never even happen but to settle for unhappiness is a total waste of life, it is clichéd, but true, you do only get the one.

Likewise, with financial issues, you may get into debt, you may not, but having a million pound in the bank or a bailiff on the door does not make you the person you are. You can surround yourself with all the material trappings in life but if you prefer the feel of grass under your feet then a marble bathroom floor will make you feel poorer, not richer.

Life simply is what you choose to make of it, and stress is the biggest inhibitor of allowing you the freedom to live the life you would choose. Let go of all the things that you cannot change, allow yourself the strength to change the things that you can and never, ever be anything other than the person you choose. One day you will have to shut your eyes one last time, and when they close you can choose to have been you or lived a lie. You won’t get another chance.

Photo credit: Mike Hoff at Flickr. Shared under Creative Commons Licence.