Children

“One of the things I’ve witnessed over the years that has upset me the most is the attitude of a couple towards their children when a relationship breaks down. No child is damaged by the breakdown of a marriage, on the contrary, if they are in an unhappy home then it should be to their advantage. The damage occurs after the breakdown by the poor parenting attributes on one or both sides of the divide.

First, let’s look at the facts. Depending on which survey or statistical analysis you choose to read, a marriage, or long term relationship, is based on a fifty per cent success rate. Toss a coin and you get the same odds. Sweet nothings whispered between two young lovers count only for that moment. There are no guarantees. There are no promises that can be made that can’t be broken and no bond that can’t be severed.

When young people marry they do so for countless reasons, love is very rarely the overwhelming or sole factor. Peer group and parental pressure, fear of being left behind, obligation, physical and emotional security, pregnancy, illness, financial stability and other, often bizarre reasons, can be a large part of the formula for the most expensive day of your life.

What I’m trying to say is that in so many cases a marriage is doomed before it begins. There is not a strong enough foundation to support the relationship between two individuals. You then add a baby into the mix and things become even more strained. If you felt you were not the most important part of your partners life before, you can be certain you never will be again. If the reality of married life was beginning to wear thin it will not be bolstered by decreased opportunities to sleep, spend time together, spend money together or even eat together. What felt rocky before becomes untenable, a fractured bedrock of self delusion that ‘things will be alright.

What follows in many cases would be comical if it weren’t so serious. Couples often choose to try for another baby to bring them closer together. Can you not see the sheer idiocy of this logic? With two legs I can walk just fine. If one day I happen to break one and my ability to walk is halved, why would I see breaking the other leg as the most conducive road to recovery? I’m crippled completely.

As I said, this is just my opinion and you can shout me down by all means, but in MY personal experience of what I’ve witnessed it never brings a couple closer. It serves only to increase the strain to breaking point.

Breaking point. The point of no return. A point at which the energy required to return to your point of origin is more than is required to fulfil your current path.

It happens. It happens every day. It’s happened every day. What I care about, what has upset me most, is what happens after this point. This is where you stand to damage your children far more than is necessary. Your marriage has ended. Whatever the final reason there are incredibly few breakdowns where one partner is entirely to blame. Even in terms of infidelity there is usually a reason as to why it occurred. It almost certainly isn’t conjecture to state that infidelity is moralistically abhorrent to most, especially those who have been sinned against. It happens though. Far more than people would care to admit to. You think of an affair as an illicit physical liaison between two people. One in ten cases this is a physical manifestation, lust overpowering reason, but what about the times that the reason holds stead over the lust. Is this actually better? Would you want a partner that whilst faithful to you in body imagines laying next to someone else every night? Those moments that you believe are uniquely intimate to you have been played over in their head with someone else in your place.

So anyway. The relationship as a couple is over. Hurt spirals and spills into everyday life. That’s natural. They key though is to accept this early on. If you have children your relationship is never over. You may not be partners but you’re still parents. That is an inseparable tie. I’ve heard so many times that a child’s place is with their mother and to a certain extent I agree, but here’s the thing. Whilst a mother may now have to adapt to single motherhood the exact same is true of the father. If a divorce or break up is bitter one thing is absolutely certain, your emotions and your focus have to be placed on what is best for the children, not for yourself.

In most instances this will involve a father leaving the marital home. Fathers, switch on here. This is not done as a move to spite you, to rub salt into what may still be an open wound. It is done in an effort to safeguard your children’s sense of security. Whatever sense of bewilderment you may be feeling, you have had years to harden yourself to life, your children do not have that experience to fall back on. They still believe in Santa Clause, the tooth fairy and that their dad will be there for them. You still can, but you must adapt. Your children may well have only ever slept in one bedroom, bathed in one bath or played in one garden. It is more than a financial burden, a home or a collection of assets that you feel should be divided equally or liquidated. It is, and this is a fact, their entire world. Imagine the feeling you have when you start a new job, move into a new house or experience something new for the first time. That feeling in the pit of your stomach, the fear of the unknown, multiply that by a thousand and ask yourself a very simple question? Do you want your child to feel that way? Well? Of course not. So, as painful as it may seem, as unfair as it may seem, you must do the right thing by your children.

However, and mothers sit up here and let the hackles rise, a dad is a fundamental part of your child’s life. He has as much right to be an active parent as you do. If he did not want the relationship to end he is going to feel resentment that he now has to move, provide maintenance and see less of his children. His life has changed completely and often he is the one that loses most, though not always.

Now the above two paragraphs have been written with a deliberate purpose. They will have polarised opinion. This is what happens and this is the mistake so often made. Resentment breeds contempt and from this contempt the worse sins occur. Belittling the role of either parent to the children is fundamentally wrong but it happens regularly in these circumstances. As a result the children become guarded about what they say and to whom they say it. How bloody tragic. In many cases this is not just reserved to the parents, grandparents will weigh in with their opinion in defence of their own child. What should have been a secure and easy environment for the child to learn basic life lessons such as trust, respect and openness becomes a maelstrom of unease, a child is expected to now fulfil the role of counsellor, diplomat and friend. Stop it. Take a step back and breathe.

Whatever the opinion you hold of the other parent this is something that the children must be allowed to evaluate for themselves. Let them forge a relationship based only on what they see and feel, not what you would like them to see or feel. If you manipulate your child’s psyche at such an early age you are effectively deciding how they will approach every relationship they hold in the future. We so often say that we want our children to achieve more than us, to have more than us and to be happy. For this to stand even a remote chance of happening you must let your children be children.

What if there is someone else involved? It should not change a single thing. Nobody will ever replace you as a mother or father unless you allow them to. You do not have to compete. Surely one other person loving your children as their own is a good thing, not a bad thing. If they can afford holidays abroad or allow your children to experience things that you can’t this is a bonus. Jealousy is not healthy, especially towards an ex-partner. If that person is a bad parent or a poor role model there is a discussion to be had, but if it is your own bitterness then you really need to grow up and put the children first. There will be marriages, christenings, births and funerals. Is it your desire to place your own selfish needs above those of your children by making these future events an emotional minefield for them, or are you mature enough to be civil?

Even if you think your being careful, there are a plethora of ways you can inadvertently damage your child. If you portray yourself as a hard done by martyr what are they being taught? To blame your former partner or to pity you? Talking to a friend on the phone about how all men/woman are (insert your own derogatory term here) whilst your child is in earshot? Is this statement true? Of course not, so why say it? It is always worth remembering that your children had no choice in being born. Be honest with them, tell them the truth but only if this truth is something that they are old enough to deal with. Honesty is vitally important but so is sensitivity, tact and common sense.

What the children need is a settled environment. This does not involve going on holidays, spending days out together, as this will lead the children to believe there is a chance of reconciliation and this can cause even further upset. The children must know what the boundaries are and believe me, they will adapt to them very quickly. When you blur these boundaries they do not know where they should stand, what they should do. You are adding a ridiculous and totally unfair level of confusion to their lives that could and should have been avoided. You also allow for further bitterness and resentment to creep back in as the parent who feels wronged will then add that the new behavioural problems are as a result of you not being together. This is simply put, as it is very simple, emotional blackmail. At no point is logical thought being used. It is a form of bullying, pulling at the heartstrings of a partner who may be feeling guilt despite knowing they made the right decision in ending an unhappy, unfulfilling marriage.

In time things can become easier and these days out together have a chance of being recognised for what they are, but initially they are far more damaging than you can imagine. A child will look to adapt their behaviour based on what they learn and what they perceive. They need to be led by both parents putting the very real, long term needs of their children first, not their own short term self-serving agendas.

Even though it may seem impossible at first a cooperative, mutually respectful approach to co-parenting is not merely beneficial, it is imperative. Do not let the children you both claim to love so much become the victims in your own war. As years pass your own anger will fade with each other, the guilt you feel as your children tread the crooked emotional path you laid out for them will not.

I’m not suggesting I’m right, I am only offering my opinion, but here are some valid points:

(1) Do not compete to become the best’ parent, both of you are vital.

(2) NEVER criticise the other parent, and certainly not in front of the children.

(3) DO make key decisions regarding your children together as a single unit.

(4) Be fair with financial arrangements. There is no need to bleed each other dry.

(5) Your happiness is and always should be secondary to that of your children, but not to the detriment of their emotional development.

(6) Initially at least, keep all conversations between yourselves about the children.

(7) Accept that people move on. Your rejection was not a rejection of the responsibility to be a parent.

(8) Enjoy them, before you know it they will be grown up.”