Dating in your 40’s

“I remember sitting on the steps of All Saints Church in Rhiwbina village as a fourteen year old, having a conversation with my friend Marc. We had been watching a load of ‘old’ women, in their 30’s, making their way to the pub. We wondered whether as we got older ourselves, our own perception of beauty would change. That sounds ridiculous and pompously whimsical, as 14 year olds it was as simply put as this; Do 40 year old men fancy 40 year old women?

The reality, in most cases at least is yes! As you age so does your ideal of what is termed as attractive. From my perspective at least I could not even contemplate dating a woman 20 years my junior . Whilst legally it would not be a problem, the moral question of whether it is acceptable is an entirely moot point. I simply am not attracted to women of that age group. I know the men are all laughing and saying ‘Yeah , right’ but read what I am saying. I can appreciate a young woman’s beauty of course, but, I don’t fancy them. I don’t look at them and think the way I do about a woman.

There is something that is just so appealing about the ‘older ‘ woman. The skin may not be as smooth as it once was, gravity can be a real bitch on other parts of the body too, and the hair may not shine quite as bright as it once did but you know what, that’s more attractive still. Real men don’t want a doll, they want a real woman and they don’t come any more real than a woman who knows herself, a woman who has had enough experience in life to know what is real and what isn’t. I remember a line from the film Shirley Valentine where Tom Conti said to Pauline Collins when she was shy about her stretch marks being kissed that this was not a bad thing, rather a sign of virility and motherhood. He was spot on.

Men can try and kid themselves all they want that they get better with age but women are no different. Anyway, I digress, as per usual. This is about dating in your 40’s, the pitfalls, the pleasures and the pain.

I’ve often been asked, having been to all intents and purposes single for ten years why on Earth I would want a relationship, why I would trade apparent freedom for the shackles of a woman. It is very simple. I love being part of a couple. As a single dad you get to see all your married friends turn up at football matches to watch their kids play, attend parents’ evenings, nativities and the like and you see the unity. Of course, I am not naive and realise that behind any happy facade there is always an undercurrent that you can’t see or even feel. Nobody knows what goes on behind four walls as they saying goes. For the plus sides of singledom there are correlating negatives. The whole idea of stretching out in a six foot bed with no worries of disturbing your partner is lovely on a balmy summer night, but you know what, it’s a stark reminder in winter when the pillow is your companion that it would be nice to have some human warmth next to you. To lay in bed and chat about a day gone by rather than wondering which book to read. To just feel a foot wrap around your leg that doesn’t belong to you. It is these little things you miss. Not the grand gestures.

There is no comfort in watching a film and laughing because laughter is best shared with others. When a tree falls in a forest and nobody can hear it does it make a noise? Well does a man laughing on his own actually laugh? Seeing something when you are out and not being able to comment to a partner. Having to grieve alone, hurt alone and be happy alone are all things you do and you build up a resolve that this is just the way it is. It is your lot, but why should it be?

Getting an invite to a wedding or a social event and knowing you are either going to have risk going it alone or find another ‘plus one’ to join you. That horrible feeling of going to the cinema alone or paying the single occupancy supplement when it comes to a holiday abroad. Getting injured or ill and knowing that your recovery is entirely dependent on you. Now the women are going to mock here and argue that friends are able substitutes. They may well be but men are different. We soldier on and the thought of asking a friend to help would seem alien to most. We carry ten bags of shopping in one hand not because we are lazy or to show our strength to the world, it is a subconscious point being proved to ourselves that we are able to do things our way. The hunter approach as opposed to the gatherer, the fight instead of flee reflex that takes over.

Now from that these factors it would seem that loneliness would be a huge factor in the desire to find a partner. It really isn’t. You don’t feel lonely, at least not often. You do get used to your own company and answering only to yourself. Want to stay up until 2 am watching utter tripe on TV, fill your boots! Want to buy yourself a fish tank and fill it with gerbils? Weird, but you don’t have to explain yourself. The plus sides are there for sure.

There are times however when it isn’t awkward or uncomfortable to be single, it is really, really hard. Birthdays when you know you are getting socks off your parents and a book voucher off the kids but there is nobody special to share that evening with. For me personally, Christmas is the hardest. It is the most wonderful time of the year according to the adverts but the reality for single people in their forties is that it serves as a very harsh reminder that they are on their own. You walk through town and see the Xmas stalls, you see the couples holding hands and imagine yourself being a part of one. There is something utterly depressing about this time of year when you are a single male especially. I never see my children on Xmas day.

This isn’t their fault or my ex-wife’s but rather a culmination of circumstances that have resulted in a hideous impasse. I worked for several Christmas days and fell into a habit of picking the kids up on Boxing day or later for a second Xmas. Now, for the children this is a bonus. Most mothers have custody of children following a marital breakdown. I do not believe that Xmas day should see the children passed from pillar to post. This is the time of year for them to believe in chimney raiders and reindeer. However, sitting there on Xmas Eve and watching the world prepare for a family day is so unbelievably difficult. Even when you get the chance to relive the occasion two or three days later, it isn’t the same. The Queen does not speak at 3 PM on the 28th of December to the nation. The adverts you have been brainwashed by for months are now all about sales and sofas and you feel like the interloper, the ghost of eternal Xmas’s missed that even Dickens never dreamed of. The smile is perched on your face but if there are times when tears are closer than laughter these days are the ones. These are the times when you feel at a desperately low ebb and to compound it, the rest of the world seems so happy. It is no surprise that this time of the year sees a spike in the rate of suicide attempts, although this could also be related to the awful choice of television available and itchy woollen jumpers.

So the options are really limited to two choices. Put yourself out there and run the risk of being hurt, or harden yourself to the extent that you become a ‘I don’t need a man/woman/dog/chinchilla in my life’ type of harridan. I feel sorrier for this latter type of people. Perhaps their way of thinking is the right way and that I am the one who has got it so incredibly wrong, but I can’t help my views any more than they can help theirs. What is so wrong in openly admitting you would like to share these things? For a single forty something you do one thing more and more often, defending your singledom as the governed choice of an educated mind as opposed to the realisation you are so scared of going through the process that led to you being single in the first place. It is in a lot, not all cases, a symbolic act of sticking two fingers up to the couples’ world and proving you are strong enough to survive on your own, the same stubborn reasoning that saw King Canute get his toes wet. Ultimately, we all want to be loved. So, for those who are going to keep believing, here are the facts:

Dating at 40 is so incredibly tough. Let’s look at the facts here. An unmarried 40 year old falls into one of two categories. Divorced or a serial player who will not settle down. I fall into the first category though I am sure there are a few who believe it is the second. We carry emotional scars, of course we do. We’ve been hurt, we’ve been broken and we have had to rebuild ourselves. This is not easy. Trust is often a major issue for a fledgling relationship especially where one or even both have been the victim of infidelity. We believed all the promises the first, second and sometimes third time around. If we are sceptical, you can hardly blame us. Once you have been hurt to the point that you feel you cannot ever love again, ever believe in anyone again, you put a pressure on yourself and your new partner that can often be overpowering. Doubt is often the emotion that you experience ahead of trust, a fear of the same thing happening again.

This is of course assuming you meet someone to be with. Your options are limited. The old nightclub/bar thing is really not conducive to meeting a dream partner. There are plenty of opportunities and there is one haunt familiar to me that is alike to a parachute club, walk through the door and a jump is guaranteed. It’s not for me though. The idea of living the lifestyle of a fancy free twenty something when you have a bald patch and forty years of entrenched morals is one that is simply abhorrent.

So, clubbing is out. What about the latest craze of the last ten years. Internet dating. Now, there are success stories don’t get me wrong. For me it would seem the perfect environment. I am hideously shy and chatting someone up has never been my forte. In fact the opposite holds true, the more I speak to someone on a night out the far less likely I am to be discussing breakfast items with them the next morning. For all my banter amongst the men, when it comes to introducing myself to a woman and initiating a positive conversation there is more likelihood of me terrifying her away. This has been borne out in practice so often it is not a pessimistic ego bash as a sad realisation. I have the verbal reasoning capacity around women of a three toed sloth.

So which site should you use? There are free sites. They are hideous. Cattle markets where you needn’t bother with a profile. It is almost like prostitution for the poor. There are profiles detailing the exact qualities people are looking for in a future partner as well as some self biographical embellishments that often accompany ten year old photographs but they are full of women who are keen to meet as man with ‘inteligance and a sence of hummor’. Really? Or the forty something cougar that wants to meet a younger man with a bankful of money, a fast car, a washboard stomach and a twelve inch remote control! These sites actually turn sane people insane unless they are very fortunate in finding the genuine diamonds in the rough, or the treat amongst the twats.

I placed an add with a genuine write up and genuine pictures. I made good friends who I never met up with because I was simply too insecure so can only blame myself there, but I also had some hideous e-mails. Sexual propositions and promises that if real I would have needed to train for a year prior to the event! I had an offer to change my sexuality and an offer to sleep with someone’s wife if he could watch. As I said there are some genuine people out there in cyber land but they are very few and far between. There is also a tendency for women in particular to have such unrealistic expectations that they are in danger of setting the scales of equality back a generation. Why should the man be the one to provide the financial security, the fast car and the romance? Surely this should work both ways in 2015?

Anyway, let’s say you have found someone who seems decent, whether through mid morning browsing or late night carousing, what comes next? When you are young there is an anxious butterfly feeling in the pit of your stomach when going on a date. As a man with more years than hairs, that feeling is one that is mixed with dread, abject fear and indigestion. You know you don’t look like you used to, your wallet may be bulging but only because you’ve emptied the bank and besides that bulge in your wallet can never match that which has replaced your once proud six pack. Hair gel and hair wax are no longer a prerequisite for your pre date preparations, replaced by a beta blocker or a Rennie! You know you are going to face a barrage of questions for which there is no real answer you can give. Why are you single? Do you tell them the whole story and risk appearing like an absolute loser or embellish some of your better points? I have always been brutally honest but when people say they want honesty, it’s surprising how many are actually unprepared to hear it.

And what do you call your new love? Girlfriend? Seems very trite. Partner? Lover? Companion? The language of love is very strange at the best of times. Time is the biggest factor of all though. Do you waste a couple of years in a relationship that has no future because for all that it may make you feel alive, once it is over you are older again and closer to that fearful benchmark of 50. When you are closer to a Saga holiday than a Club 18 – 30 your intuition has to become an exact science.

But there is a bonus. A big one. Any twenty something reading this thinking the idea of forty year olds having a passionate romance is simply wrong you should keep this in mind. We’ve been having sex for longer than you have been alive. We aren’t awkward or fumbling, we know what we are doing and we do it well. We’ve put the hours in.

So to answer my own question I originally posed, GOD YES!!! Give me a forty something woman over an inexperienced mannequin every day of the week. Well, maybe not every day, I am 41 after all!”