Twas the night before Xmas

Twas the night before Xmas, at seven thirty I’m in bed,

The world alive with emotion, but for now I am dead.

I have nothing to cry for, there are others more hamstrung than me,

So there’s guilt in each tear as they work their way free.

Christmas I lived for, it was my time of year,

Yet now it is tainted, it has become something I fear.

There is nothing to rise for as Eve passes a candle to Day,

ten years have elapsed since I saw my children play.

With gifts I had chosen I spoiled you, that’s true,

I lived for that moment, when I just aimed to please you.

So I try to ignore it, allow myself to be free,

There are no decorations now, no tired old tree.

As each Xmas passing has broken me, inch by inch,

Where once I played Santa, now I’m the Grinch.

There no present I ask for, no gift that I need,

I kept my integrity, but the cost was high, high indeed.

I have taken the hits and I’ve still stood up tall,

And though I have stumbled, I am yet to fall.

I was, am, a family man, those days I adored,

My memory is alive, those feelings aren’t flawed.

So I try to keep strength, I must handle the pain,

But as November wanes, it will grab me again.

I could go down the pub, and drink myself numb,

But I don’t want any bitter, which would just turn me rum.

I will have to get through it, I do every time,

Irony at Christmas when life becomes pantomime.

And yet as I write this, I still have some hope,

But the tether is ending, where once there was rope.

I don’t want to face another, but I shan’t run away,

I will vanquish the demon that is Christmas Day.

I’ll paste on the smile, and I will laugh at the jokes,

I’ll eat myself stupid and fat cigars I will smoke.

I don’t envy others, for we all deserve joy.

The parent with children, the child with his toy.

So don’t lose a moment, now soon turns to then,

You can’t buy back yesterday, or live it again.