BULLY

“Bullying

Hands up who thinks they haven’t bullied someone. I bet there’s a few of you out there claiming you never have already. Rubbish. We all have at some point, though very few of us will ever admit to it for one simple reason. We were completely unaware we had done it.

You see, bullying is a very, very grey area. We can all view the archetypal bully, turning some poor kid upside down in the school toilets to get his lunch money. For those old enough to remember Gripper Stebson from Grange Hill, or those only young enough to recall Draco Malfoy as the nemesis for Hogwarts hero Harry Potter this is bullying at its most transparent, and stereotypical. The larger kid terrorising the smaller kid. The bully will always have two sidekicks and they will all be rather stupid. This is where we lose sight of the reality of bullying, what it is and the damage it causes. In most cases there is no divine retribution where the bully gets his comeuppance, or is seen to redeem their self through a heroic act. It is all too often that the bully carries on with their bullying ways throughout childhood and well into adulthood.

Bullying carries no set definition other than that you are persecuted by someone else. The arbiter of that persecution, whether it is defined as bullying or not is not the person who performs the bullying, it is the victim. That is why inadvertently so many of us have, at times been the bully and not the dupe. I have to put my hand up and admit I’ve done it, certainly not deliberately, but there are times when ‘banter’ has definitely crossed the line and could be taken as a sign of personal enmity. I didn’t intend for that to be the case, of course not, but as I said, I am not the one to hold sway as judge.

Quite often bullying is allowed to happen because rather than an isolated incident, it is far more a slow burning phenomenon, the erosion of an individual’s self worth as opposed to an all out assault. I’ll try to categorise as best as I can areas where I see bullying as rife and eventually will look at the ways to deal with it, if at all possible.

The most common form of bullying is not on the schoolyard, these incidents are just the most newsworthy, but occur within the circles you would least expect it. Relationships, families and close knit circles of friends. We’ll start with relationships. My view on the ideal relationship is probably very prosaic and simplistic, but when two people come together I look at them as two stones. Constant jostling should see the stones remove rough edges prior to finding that there is a perfect fit. Not a case of erosion but simply learning to be a whole as opposed to two individuals fighting against each other.

I’m not suggesting any element of individuality should be lost, that would be very shortsighted, but the relationship is not two relationships, it is one, and levels of compromise must be reached. To retain your uniqueness is absolutely vital in establishing a healthy relationship. That is all this is, the smoothing of those idiosyncratic traits that allow you to function as a half of one, as opposed to the main act.

That is where the bullying often introduces itself, slight at first, but in the end totally destructive. If one person in a relationship is of a far stronger mind-set, or more often the case, possessing little to no emotional intelligence, they can steamroller the other party. Instead of the gentle smoothing there is now a sense of intense erosion, not the subtle weathering of life. One stone eventually dominates and breaks the other into pieces.

The manner in which this is done is not always deliberate but it is a very real factor to consider. An inability to see the perspective of the partner and therefore, often deriding or mocking their view on something the partner may hold incredibly dear. This will result in a chided, belittled ego, a person who no longer feels their own view point is valid, when the opposite is entirely true. Subjugation of another person’s will, the ability to prevent them functioning in a way that they choose, is bullying, it is not concern, love or care. It is not respect or protection; it is a means of control. To expect someone to perform in a certain manner just to make your life easier is churlish, but when you put into place the mechanism of psychological conditioning that allows the partner to feel it is their fault, that they are in the wrong, then you have lost sight of what you have become yourself.

It is mental cruelty, and there is little can be done until the victim becomes aware of what has happened. However, they are often so weakened by this stage this realisation sinks in that there is no energy left to actually fight back, and submission seems the easier option. Trading personal happiness for the quiet life. It is wrong, and anyone who sees this as a healthy is quite possibly insane.

Now that is the mental cruelty aspect put to one side, there is of course domestic violence as well to consider. Now I have never been subject to domestic violence and neither have I been an instigator of it. I can’t comment with either any authority or experience to draw upon, only form a conclusion from the countless arguments that I have seen on the issue, and the odd occasion where I have had to intervene on behalf of a female friend. I can’t make my point any clearer than this following statement, the need to use or threaten physical violence towards a woman is not a sign of masculinity, it is a dereliction of every moral value that a man should measure himself against.

No matter the level of passion involved or how high the level of provocation, verbally or physically, there is simply no need to be violent. However, and this is a fact, violence towards men is also on the increase. I am not comparing the two in terms of severity or looking to say one is worse than the other, any form of physical violence aimed towards a partner in any form of relationship is bullying.

Bullying in the home is not confined just to partners though. Sibling rivalry is a very real factor, and even though this is often seen as a rite of passage, a necessary evil to harden up a younger brother or sister, it often serves the exact opposite purpose. Siblings should be close, especially when the ages are similar, but it is very common for a parent to turn a blind eye to blatant acts of bullying behaviour. There is a very simple truth in this though, and I would use it as a failsafe guide.

If any other person walked into your house and subjected a younger child to the form of abuse, be it physical or emotional, that an elder sibling does, how would you react? If your response would be different then there is an issue here. You are failing to show your younger child that bullying is unacceptable and you are also teaching your younger child that you will not stand up for them.  This obviously doesn’t mean you should intervene if there is a normal argument but you instinctively know what the limits are and they should not be blurred because of a blood bond.

Parents are often the worse form of bully however, heaping so much pressure on a child from a formative age that they reach adulthood with little chance of functioning properly. Constant haranguing of your child, criticising without offering praise or the active championing of one child to the detriment of the other is far more commonplace than you would believe. This breeds resentment and a sense of mistrust not only between siblings but leads to a large degree of suspicion towards authority. Children can accept their parents are not perfect but regardless of how well they progress in any given field, they must be treated equally in terms of affection and discipline. To show favouritism is an indirect form of bullying but it happens, and the results are nearly always the same, the production of dysfunctional adults.

You see from this that familial upbringing is crucial in not only protecting your children from bullies but is inadvertently equally as crucial in preventing them from becoming one. There is often a case that those who have been bullied become bullies, trading a sense of bewilderment and enfeeblement for a delusional sense of power. There is almost certainly a direct correlation between bullies and a past history of being bullied.

Let’s move on from the environment of family and marital homes and look now at where bullying is seen as most commonplace, the school. This is perhaps the cruellest place of all in which to get bullied. Not only are you too young to have developed the right coping mechanisms, but often your bullying is conducted to an audience. Any humiliation felt is magnified and there really is no easy answer. In my schooldays, bullying was very formulaic, you went to school, someone tried to take your dinner money or they just wanted to fight you. I am talking only of physical bullying in this instance.

I saw instances where the bullying was almost conducted in a business like manner. Threats were issued, money was handed over and in the end the threats weren’t needed, the money was just handed over regardless. It was an introduction to the Inland Revenue scheme of taking your money without you even arguing the point anymore. There were some real hard boys in my year, physically tough and not ones you would choose to pick a fight with. Perhaps I was lucky in the sense that I knew everyone in school, I was not the grey man, so I was never targeted for any physical bullying. I got along with everyone to a degree. But the school hard knocks were not bullies, they were actually decent kids. There were fights in school of course, but these often stemmed from nothing more than a shared interest in a girl, an off the cuff remark that caused offence or something incredibly trivial. A fight would take place, blood would spill and the next day the antagonists would be best friends or just avoid each other.

Today’s society however has removed the relatively safe haven of ‘fisticuffs’ after school with a gang of kids forming a circle and screaming ‘Fight, fight, fight’. In those halcyon days of thuggery, a bloodied nose would be a battering. It was so far removed from what we see in the newspapers and news updates today. The proliferation of knives, and even guns, have seen the most innocuous of disagreements lead to the death or severe injury of kids as young as ten and eleven. This is a tragedy, and one that the authorities are unable to deal with. With the softly softly approach applied to the teaching profession today, through the ridiculous measures now in place that prevents effective disciplinary measures being taken until it is too late, the school is a breeding ground for those who do not wish to toe the line. There is far too often a complete lack of respect for authority in today’s society, whether that be towards teachers, police, hospital staff or other essential service providers. The death of Anne Maguire last year, stabbed to death in her own classroom epitomises that the softening of discipline has not only been disastrous, it is going to be very difficult to re-establish with any tangible results.

Girls can be bitchy, that is a fact, and so can boys, but in my experience to a much lesser extent. Boys seem to roam in packs that have an interchanging hierarchical structure, where there may be seem to be a leader but there is no set definition of this role. It is fluid and that is why so often you see people come and go from a group of ‘lads’. With the girls it was different. There were cliques formed from almost day one of school and if a girl decided she wanted to be just a little different and move onto a new group then there would always be a price to pay. Hair pulling, name calling, graffiti on toilet walls. Whilst physically fights were extremely rare, the level of bullying always seemed far higher. The emotional bullying is far worse than the physical. Again, society has moved on and suicide attempts are on the rise as even a loving home is no safe environment these days. The advent of social media has given rise to a reign of bullying that is harrowing. Propaganda and spin are both used in malicious campaigns aimed at individuals that are seemingly impossible to stop. Moments of humiliation are now caught on camera and video and the world can see in moments, there is no longer a chance that your shame can be forgotten about. I do not envy the children of today. I truthfully feel that they have a far harsher introduction to adulthood than I did, and at a far earlier age. Innocence is lost at an age where there should still be so much magic to believe in, and that this has happened, is something I find hard to reconcile.

There is that all too often quoted verse ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but names can never hurt me’ that seems to be chanted every time someone suggests verbal harassment is taking place. Of all the philosophical whimsy portrayed on Facebook and other social media sites, this is perhaps the most ridiculous one of all time. Sticks don’t break bones for starters, unless they are red ones with dynamite written down the side of them. Stones hurt but are easily avoided. Names however, well, they can ruin a life. They will scar far more than any moment of stick thwacking. Some people can relate to an incident of name calling where it spurred them on to achieve great things, and I respect that, but far more will recall instances whereby the name calling inhibited their ability to be themselves, to live the life they wanted to live. You can look at a physical scar and wear it almost as a badge of honour that you survived an accident, recovered from an injury and so on. The emotional scars you don’t see. You feel them, and even many years after an event the pain is still as fresh in your memory.

More rhetoric can be thrown, ‘harden up, man up, ignore them’. Great advice if it can be followed but not everyone has the same mental resilience and when those words strike home there is sometimes no way to recover from them. I recall a comment in sixth form that continues to haunt me to this day, it always will. Not because I want it to, not because I think about it every moment of every day, but it did shape me and changed my view on relationships, trust, respect and so much more. Just a phrase. I broke my leg four times but still can kick a football, the effect on me as an individual was both short term and transitory. Give me that broken bone over a broken heart every day of the week, and twice at weekends.

So on from school and into adulthood. The workplace. If you work for yourself you are a very fortunate individual indeed. If you work as part of a company then you will know all about the bullying that occurs daily in almost every office, factory, shop and staffroom in the country.

Some people are born to manage. They are natural leaders and possess both empathy and charisma in enough quantity to inspire those around them. These people are rare. I have worked with one and I have a measure of that ability myself but that is not to say we weren’t capable of bullying. In the military there is a precise and rigid rank structure. There has to be to act as an enabling force to do what we did, but that can lead to problems.

When I would write an annual report I would have to recommend, or otherwise, somebody as being fit for promotion. This would seem relatively easy but it was not, it required both brutal honesty and the ability to upset an individual. Someone may feel that they are excelling at their job, that they are the best tradesman around. That does not mean they are ready for promotion. It simply means they are good at their job. To gain promotion means an increase in responsibility, both in terms of the amount of pressure you must deal with and the opportunities to manage someone else’s career. If I could see areas within an individual where I felt they were too weak to assume this newfound responsibility I couldn’t recommend them, not in my eyes anyway, regardless of their technical ability. Likewise, if someone showed a tendency towards being a bully, too cocksure or too arrogant they could not get a positive recommendation either. Unfortunately, not everyone followed the logical means I used to evaluate potential.

Therefore, there are countless people who now sit in roles without the ability to understand their true meaning, looking at their seat of authority as a throne with which to rule their own little empires. It is a very sad trait that allows someone wearing an extra stripe on their arm suddenly turn into Napoleon Bonaparte. Despite what I read and hear on the news, institutionalised bullying is still both commonplace and readily evident if people could just be honest. A lot of people leave Forces for this reason. There are measures in place to counteract the bullying and of course some people follow this route, as they should, but they know deep down they are effectively committing career suicide. I once had to lodge a formal complaint against a colleague, not for bullying, and despite receiving praise for my courage, I knew by doing so I would upset so many people higher in the chain of command than I was, that this was a moral stance I must face, as opposed to a career minded one.

Something else that exists in the military to a far higher degree than other environments is banter. That common used word that is so often used as a means to defend actions that are actually indefensible. Of course banter exists and there are times when it is essential in the close knit community that serve on the front lines of the countries defence. There is a problem though. Where do you draw the line? What one person deems as banter, another will take mortal offence with. The exact same holds true in other walks of life. If a black man refers to another black man by a derogatory term, it is often only banter. Let a white man say that word and you have a racial discrimination case on your hands. I understand why this is the case but many don’t. Banter is entirely contextual, it is something that exists as a means of playful jousting between people who are comfortable with each other. If you do not know the limits of those you are around, stick to what you do know. Do not fall into the self-made trap of being a bully through ignorance alone.

My direct experience of bullying is limited, as I have said, but I have been the victim at times. I dealt with it in my own way but I am very fortunate. I am physically capable of dealing with confrontational violence and intelligent enough to deal with verbal or emotional abuse. Now. I wasn’t always so well equipped.

There is no hard and fast rule to dealing with bullying, but there is one rule that you must believe in. Nobody ever has the right to make you feel anything less than special. Who you are is a reflection of you, and who someone else is a reflection of them. Do not bow down graciously at the hands of a bully, or become brow beaten by harsh words. Believe in you at all times.

There are no second chances to live your life over, you do get the one chance and that one chance only, so even at the risk of losing everything, stand up for your own beliefs. Respect is given more to a moralistic vagrant than a hypocritical king. To sacrifice your own happiness, your own chance to be happy, merely to fulfil the whim of any other person is something that you have full control over.

There is no shame in failing, no shame in losing and no shame in trying, there is only shame in cowardice. This does not mean that you must fight physically, it does not mean that you must become verbally astute, it just means you don’t give up. Seek help, through close friends, through official channels or even by talking to a stranger, whether a counsellor or The Samaritans. This is YOUR life, do not let someone else live it for you.”